Reframing

We know our emotions are contagious to our children. And they look to us for how to feel, how to get through a challenge, how to behave.  So, it’s important we practice noticing how our thoughts contribute to self-criticism, annoyance, irritation, perfectionism, anger, worry, anxiety or resentment and train our minds to think different thoughts, after our initial reaction, to consequentially change our emotions so that we model, and intentionally spread, our peacefulness to our children.

In Peaceful Parenting, this is called reframing. Here’s an example.

Imagine my kids are fighting as they play with the blocks. I notice my first thoughts about the situation and how each of those thoughts makes me feel.

"They always make my life harder!” brings up resentment.

“Why does he always pick on his brother?” makes me feel irritated.

“Someone is going to get hurt!” makes me feel angry and fearful.

“I can’t deal with this!” makes me feel powerless and helpless.

But watch what happens if I work on adding another thought after my initial one to reframe.

"These kids always make my life harder.” I take a breath and then think, “They are having a hard time,” and I feel empathic.

“Why does he always pick on his brother.” Breathe. “He must be working through a big emotion and needs my love.” Compassion washes over me.

“Someone is going to get hurt!” Notice negative thought, then think, “Kids don’t have the brain development to hold back their impulses when they’re agitated. Even I find that hard with my fully developed brain! But I am right here and can step in preventatively before someone gets hurt.” I feel generous and confident to help them solve their problem.

“I can’t deal with this.” Pause, “I am just the mother they need right now.” I feel powerful and confident!

One client I worked on this strategy with, paralleled learning reframing to learning to drive a car. He shared, “Before you explained it to me, I didn’t know that I didn’t know how to do this. Then I knew I didn’t know how and wanted to learn. Now I know how and am doing it with great conscious effort. One day, with enough practice, I can see how, like driving a car, it will just happen without so much effort.”

The next time your child, or children, do something that upsets/triggers/hijacks you. See if you can notice your first reaction. You don’t even need to stop it from coming. Just add in a reframe as an antidote and see how it brings about a different emotion in yourself.

Thanks to Dr. Laura Markham’s teachings and my ongoing practice, these calming thoughts are beginning to become automatic and, more often than not, I am able to stay centred and act peacefully and confidently with my kids through any challenge.

Dare you to try it!